What's a Canadian?
Or, On assimilation
“HOW MUCH more Canadian do I have to be to really fit in?”
This is a question I included in an email to my Outsiderness creative team, trying to explain some revelations I had about my documentary. I was trying to boil down what’s been eating at me since I was a kid. Not poisoning me, but an itch in the middle of my back that I can never reach. The problem with this question, though, is what is a “Canadian” even? And I mean this beyond being a citizen of the country; that part is obvious. It’s a loaded question, with a lot to unpack, and unpacking it is ultimately what I’m trying to do with Outsiderness. I think.
Here’s the thing. I was a latchkey kid who grew up in the 80s in a white neighbourhood. Since I was never taught my family’s culture and language there was nothing else to do but assimilate. I just did what everyone around me was doing. I liked what they liked. I considered myself Canadian before anything else. Now, I can look at stereotypes like being overly nice, saying sorry all the time, loving hockey, drinking beer, saying “eh” and on and on. To this end I relate to a lot those things. But that can’t really be what a Canadian is, can it? There must be something much deeper than that.
For the sake of argument though, let’s say it is. I stereotypically fit into what being a Canadian is. At expressing “Canadian culture.” Yes, I wear plaid flannel. I enjoy winter activities. I love camping. All of these things I resonate with on a level that no other nationality can. So, again, for argument’s sake, I AM CANADIAN (remember that ad campaign?). So…why do I still feel like I can never quite fit in?
Spoiler alert: It’s skin colour. It’s this one highly visible thing. I will always get the question, “Where are you from?” (and the follow up, “No, where are you really from?”). Many people would consider this a micro-aggression. On an individual level it’s easy to say, ah, they’re just curious. And I get that. But…why are they curious? And do they ask any white people this question? I know many 2nd generation immigrants whose family immigrated from Europe. I don’t think they’re getting this question. Over time, the effect of this question being asked of me is, “You’re different than the normal here, you don’t fit in.”
What am I actually in search for? Even if I could articulate the question at the top of this page in a more specific way, I don’t think I could ever find a satisfactory answer. So, am I just looking for some peace? The journey continues.